2020. Welcome to a New Year and a New Decade!

 

Fuck! I can’t believe it’s 2020. Not only a new year, but a new decade!

I came to realise a few things as the decade came to an end, and this is a look back at the last decade. It’s not mean to be morose, although it may come off that way.

First, in December I realised it had been 30 years since I’d left school. We have had 7 years of primary school and then 5 years of high school forever and a day, although many schools are now changing that. But I realised it had been 30 years since I’d left at the end of year 10 and for some reason, went in search of my old school on Facebook.

I saw people on there that, of course, I remembered well. Many I was surprised at the change in them, others looked pretty much the same. But one thing I realised is that I would never go to a high school reunion.

Sure, it might be great to see what everyone looks like, how they’ve done, what they’ve done, etc, but at the end of the day, some of them bitches were just that. BITCHES! The stories I could tell you about high school would make your head shake and your hair curl.

I have no need to join that Facebook page. What would be the point? I refuse to subject myself to the bullshit I endured 30 years ago by the same people who are on that page. I have no interest in that whatsoever. If we were enemies in real life, we ain’t gonna be friends in fake life!

Second, as the year, and the decade, came to a close, I looked back on everything I had done and everything that had and hadn’t happened.

I started the decade one year into my author blog with two novels already written, and a jewellery business at the beginning of its life. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, or where I wanted to go, but I knew I wanted to do something.

As the years progressed, I wrote more novels under my author name, which I matured and adultified, blogged weekly, set up a website for my jewellery business, bought multiple domains, trade marks and copyrights, and had legal issues. I then started writing under my name and progressed to a third author name. Not only did my own health suffer greatly this decade, but my mother became so sick and crippled I had to put my jewellery business on permanent holiday just so I could focus on my writing. And then I lost my writing inspiration, Jackie Collins.

I continued writing so much that I not only set up multiple websites to cover all of my names, but decided to set up a publishing house to publish all of my books. I bought my own ISBNs, bought everything that I would need, such as pictures, and gave my cover designer mock-ups of what I wanted for my books.

I’ve dealt with shit, literally, that no one should have to deal with. I resent myself, the universe, and my enemy, for what has happened in my life and have no real idea how to get out of it. My life is not where I thought it would be, nor where I want it to be. And how that will evolve over the next ten years I don’t know. I cringe at the thought that I’ll still be here, in this exact place, in ten years. Living the same life, dealing with the same shit. Because sometimes, it just ain’t that easy to pack up and leave. But that’s for another time.

And yes, all of this is a weight I’ve borne by my own hand.

As I ended the year, and decade, I looked back at all the crushes I’d had, the love I didn’t experience, the children I didn’t have, the things I did, and saw nothing but insignificant achievements that meant, quite frankly, not a fucking lot. Although, setting up a publishing house and releasing a whole bunch of books IS a lot, it just didn’t feel like it.

I ended the decade with two rooms full of clothing and accessories, books, collections, and knick knacks that I loved and wanted, but had no place to properly display or store it. I also ended the decade with 7 more novels, 4 novellas, 11 non-fiction, and 42 short stories under my name and two others, all published under my own publishing house, plus a thousand more pieces of jewellery than what I started it with and more kaftans and kimonos than I ever dreamed of having. I have multiple websites, domains and businesses, more business debt than I’ve ever had in my life (but can thankfully pay off each month), yet own nothing except what I have in these two rooms.

While I ended the year, and the decade, with a whole lot more than what I went into it with, regardless of what I had actually done and achieved, it seemed like I’d done nothing at all.

~~~~~~~~~~

After typing up and scheduling this post, I remembered something about 10,000 hours or ten years, and went through old posts. On JDS’s 7th birthday I posted about what had been happening and whether or not I’d continue. I wasn’t sure then, but as each year moved on, I stayed. You can see that blog post here. I mentioned the 10,000 hours or ten year limit and equated each thing.

In July 2006 I wrote my first novel. In May 2016, I started writing the Porn Star Brothers series. Ten years since I started writing books. Time’s been and gone and I’m still going.

In February 2008 I wrote my second book and in Aug I started the legal side of my jewellery business and made my first collection in Oct. In 2018 it was ten years. That was two years ago. My writing had continued, my jewellery business was on a deserted island somewhere.

On Jan 1st 2009 I started my author blog then this blog on July 22, and then went live with the first Jewel Divas store in Sep. In 2019 it was ten years old. Now it’s moving on for eleven.

I had thought December 31st 2019 might be the last time I blogged or even posted on social media. But, I continue every year and have more years to match up to ten, such as my fourth novel 2013/2023, my non-fictions 2014/2024, when I started writing children’s books 2015/2025, Porn Stars 2016/2026. Not sure I can keep blogging until 2026, but that is only six years away and who knows what will happen in the next six years.

At the time I was going to either give it three and a half more years until 2019, when I was 45 and a half and it was ten years for this blog, or wait until 2024 when I’m 50 and keep it at a nice round figure. I’ll definitely be done by 50. But that’s now four and a bit more years away and who knows what will happen by the time I’m 50.

I have exerted more energy in the last ten years writing, making and trying to run a business than I probably exerted in all my previous years. Except maybe for when I was line dancing because that was a lot of energy. But then I didn’t have the health issues, the business, the blogs, or a crippled mother to look after way back then.

What it came down to was that I kept on movin’ on because I had to.

So what 2020, and the next decade, has in store for me, I have absolutely no freakin’ idea. But the idea of it already exhausts me!

 

Did you guys have epiphanies or revelations over the end of a decade?

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. The Tote Trove February 13, 2020 at 9:16 am

    I like to look back on the decade too, and also back on the year on my birthday. It’s interesting what you learn about yourself. Sure, there are some regrets, but mostly I feel like I’ve grown. I think you’ve grown too, even though you’ve had setbacks. So keep going! And definitely don’t go to your high school reunion — I’ve never been to one either. 🙂
    The Tote Trove recently posted…Clarions for Marian (and Clarins Too)My Profile

    Reply
    1. Jewel Divas Style February 13, 2020 at 6:20 pm

      Aw, thanks Tote. Nope, have no plans whatsoever of ever attending a reunion.

      Reply
  2. Starry March 3, 2020 at 11:39 am

    Oh my Dear Diva, I love you! We started our jewellery businesses in the same year, we both write, and we both care for aged parents and we both are stuck in the same kind of personal limbo watching the world move on around us. I appreciate the honesty and the bravery it took to write this from the heart – as you know last night I wrote more or less the same kind of evaluation of my life. I think, or I hope that surely there must come a time when we strip away the material distractions (I too have more clothes than occasions and reasons to wear them, stored any which way I can so that perfectly well ironed clothes come out severely creased, jewellery begins to look tarnished, maybe even fabrics have been leaked on and I didn’t even know until too late) so that we have the time to truly do something for ourselves, as improbable as it seems when we think about it. I wish for you the opportunity to grab something of value and say “I want this for me” and I’m going to try and do the same. I am even going to finally finish learning to drive so I am not so bloody helpless.
    Starry recently posted…To Eleanor Oliphant with love – reexamining my empty lifeMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Jewel Divas Style March 3, 2020 at 8:52 pm

      I thank God that I can drive but it’s mum’s car I drive as I don’t own my own. Can’t afford it. lol. But yep, there’s way too many of us stuck in the same situation and with all of my blog posts coming back I got honest, maybe not brutally so, but as brutal as I wanted to get. I don’t feel the need to be so forthcoming, at the end of the day no one can fix my issues but me or the universe, and I’m trying.

      Reply
      1. Starry March 4, 2020 at 2:53 pm

        “no one can fix my issues but me” yep… I think that’s one reason I’m okay with singledom now because I’ve outgrown the notion of someone coming in to rescue me – I better find my own white horse and transform my own damn life. Yet even as I say this I’m still aware of the limitations of what I’ll be able to do while my parents are still alive – its awful but I do feel like the world will expand for me when those duties are removed. And that’s not the kind of thing you normally have someone to say that to for fear of sounding monstrous. I laugh where and when I can, I cry when it can no longer be helped, and spoil my dog.

        Reply
        1. Jewel Divas Style March 4, 2020 at 5:41 pm

          I know. I’ve been thinking the same thing these last few years. That the only way out of this situation is if one of us dies, and knowing how things go for me, it will probably be me, lol. She’s 79 this month, has another good 10-20 years left. I don’t want to be 56 or 66 when I finally get to be free. I feel like Pam from The Bold and The Beautiful. Got left behind while big sister Stephanie got the money, the life and the husband and family.

          And let me tell you, it isn’t monstrous to think things like that because we are the ones living it and have our mental dead end that screams we’ve had enough. I have five older siblings and they don’t give a flying fuck about anyone but themselves.

          And how bad does this sound…I can absolutely sympathise with those kids who kill their parents all because they just want it to stop.

          I get it. I just want it to stop. And if you have no other way out and no one or no thing to help (lotto, Salvos, whatever) then you are up shit creek without a paddle and a canoe.

          Reply
          1. Starry March 4, 2020 at 6:25 pm

            Yeah I have two older brothers so it was sort of assumed as the only girl, the youngest, and the one who is not married with kids is the one to take on the responsibilities. Then they probably fight me for the house.

          2. Jewel Divas Style March 6, 2020 at 8:10 pm

            Yep, probably the same for me. Except no house. I haven’t seen two in about 30 years and didn’t see my brother for about 14, then he comes, sucks money out of mum and leaves. Hasn’t repaid it yet, either. FIVE FREAKIN YEARS ON! But when she carks it, they’ll come out of the woodwork.

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