Last year I did a life overhaul post and things have changed since then. More so I realise that my life is not my own. It does not matter how hard I work, how much I do, I will just not get anywhere. My life is clearly here to serve as maid and cleaner. It does not matter how old I am, whether I’m lonely, alone or single and childless, I will never have any of that. I will never have my own life, a partner, kids, friends or a nice home unless something miraculous happens, like winning lotto or a RSL Art Union house.
I mentioned in that blog post
“But while I’m changing the small things, there is currently no way for me to change the big things. And those big things are so incredibly important and yet so freakin far away. In fact, at this point, they seem non-existent. That they will never happen, regardless of how hard I hope and wish and dream.
I would love to overhaul my entire life but at this stage of my life, I simply cannot. So it is best to go for the small things I can do, and see whether the big things I cannot do sort themselves out. Although I highly doubt it!”
And I still think that, but after cleaning and scrubbing the way I have, not by choice, but by circumstances, I have realised even more so, that my life is not my own. It’s hard, it’s horrible and as much as I hate the universe for putting me here, the universe is not about to let me get what I want, when I want or how I want.
The universe is going to f@#k me around and make me clean up shit until the day it’s done playing with me. And for all I know, that could be the day I’m dead.
Until then, I’ll blog about stuff, and write and make and create, albeit more slowly so I can write more. Hence the Jewel Divas store is off and on this year. I need to concentrate on small things and not try and run them at a marathon pace because I just cannot cope with that.
In the coming posts, I’ll show you the awesome shoes and clothes I bought over xmas and am still paying for. It’s a lot, but for now, I don’t care. There’s the thieving Indian company who stole my kaftan photos, there’s 31 days of kaftans, shoes, accessories, clothes, sparkle, rhinestones and glitter. Lots of it so stay tuned.